i used to pluck the hair that grows there, until i met the girl who told me that that was creepy, scary and crazy. so, in a huge step of blind self-assurance, i allowed them to grow back. i trusted her about that and just let them fly, which was a hugh leap of faith. but since she convinced me that pulling them out was creepier than just having them i proceeded with the nasty task of watching my goddamn nipples sprout hair and grow the fuckers longer than i would ever admit. see, i just shuddered.

i see ron jeremy on film and laugh and poke fun, but in the back of my mind i'm thinking, 'jesus, i hope... nah, i dont look like that... but what if i do?!! oh god, i'm a mess!' but i trust that this is not rational thinking. i'm not even hairy, comparatively speaking. i don't have hairy toes or fingers or back hair, so i'm pretty confident that i'm in the clear.

usually i just deny that i have any hair below my neck. that's what it took for me to ignore the nipple beards.

but just now in the shower, i noticed them: all gross and tufty and rugged. i'm proud though, i didn't pull out a single one. i just looked quickly away and avoided scrubbing there so as not to feel them.

so now i'm sitting here with dirty tits.

i have come to the inevitable conclusion, once again, that i simply cannot win.