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� the truth part three, but slightly obscured and purposefully vague �


3:25 a.m., 2002-04-02

fuck my subconscious and what it tries to do to me...

this is from the shitty hip, so bear with the nonsense and incoherence.

...that sabotage and self-deprivation is for reasons i am not willing to admit. i make things easy with avoidance, skirting the issue + lightening the responsibility. making life easy.

and then it kicks in; my thoughts wander and the start of the day becomes the end of the day in some bizarre blurry morph, like a misplaced powernap and it refuses to end. i sit up waiting for nothing, but something. somehow i become sated...

i think to myself, 'i think i'll be honest today, because i think i might be capable of it for once.'

it's like that new years resolution you make as a token response to the vices you know will be your downfall. it's almost like an automated response out of expectation to fail. not even expectation, more like absolute assurance. it's a self-created set-up. i say, all the time, i have to stop doing this to me. but that too is one of those automated responses. it's all part of the cycle that is not even beginning to be understood, let alone stopped or thwarted.

i never really put much stock n the theories i used to study on an academic level, but now that i see them in some bizarre, surreal practice like a sitcom gone horribly awry. my head aches thinking about what to do about the fact that this is not a joke, that there are decisions to be made that affect me on so many levels.

i come to realize, at the end of every single day, that i am the most selfish human being on the face of the earth.


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