in a fit of mania i've strung myself up for too long. it's getting hard to discern what are daydreams and what is moving around me. i've become passive, flaccid. an observer. my surroundings surround me in the most pernicious of ways. even writing this now i've added vowels where the consonants should have picked up the stream and brought it back to life. the whole subjective concept of reality is not exactly as satisfying as they make it out to be in those 1950's philosophy books i took from the library with the covers torn off. apparently they deemed them outdated. maybe the joke is on me since this seems as a function of how archaic they really are. to maintain myself and my understanding and interaction with my immediate surroundings has taken precedent over constructive and creative and, above all, rational thinking. more often than not my concentration flickers and chokes itself out. last night i climbed on the roof of the garage when i got home and laid on the ridgevent, staring at the stars until they were no longer in the places they were in when i closed my eyes after beginning my stare.

.......this being meaningless.

i've come to the realization that before i become embarassingly old it is imperative that i find a passion and run with it. obsess on it. master it. life serves to stifle this process by its very nature to embrace flux. ebbes and flows, ebbes and flows. on a longer timeline everything embraces stagnation, even though while conscious of its pitfalls we strive to avoid it. there are places i want to see. take me in along the way. it has become my recent practice to frequent my roof. be it known that there is where you'll find me, plotting with the stars to overtake the moon.