things never go according to plan.

mundane things make me fucking nauseous. in person, people find me rude and creepy because i refuse to respond to small talk. the weather, local sports teams, headline news items... all things in which i am well-versed, yet refuse to discuss out of a feeling of obligation. as a result, i seem weird and distant. people sometimes jump and look wide eyed when i come into the middle of a conversation when i suddenly decide i have something to offer. if you don't talk and appear to be a mute people really listen when they find out that you can articulate thoughts and have a fantastic and raucous sense of humor.

this is all actually small talk. i'm skirting an issue that i can't really deal with by writing nonsense about little minutia that, in the context of daily life, is not out of the ordinary in any way.

minutes before typing all of this up i found myself sitting and staring at static on the television screen. i didn't put on an actual program because i was finding nearly everything meaningless.

in recent days i have been realizing more and more what a deeply unhappy person i am becoming.

so i was sitting staring at static and consciously trying not to think. conversations i had today made my breath tight in my chest. sometimes i feel as though i'm breathing ammonia.

i've already started to work on getting over things.

something like purchasing an emotional gas mask.