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10:24 p.m., 2002-10-23

it's really weird being paroled.

i've been in a total fuzzed-up lockdown for weeks? days? something. i don't know how long it's been, but i've been a total and complete mess. i don't sleep for days, and i really can't pin down the reason why. it's like i just can't physically drag myself to bed. at all. like even when i do force myself into my bedroom with the intention of laying down i just end up digging through things or sitting there staring off and day(night)dreaming or guitarring or singing softly into the fourtrack to old things i want to overdub or trying to learn the harmonica or going in the basement to try and tune the old upright piano and it's way past 3am, 4am...

but then today.

i woke up after sleeping a full full full seven hours (!) to snow on the ground. snow? i swore i had lost it. after last night i was more or less convinced that i had. the snow promptly melted and the sun came out and i felt like i was a teenager (oh god, can i really say that? am i really that far away from being one anyway?) rather than the seventy something i have been posing as for the last so and so weeks. i could have run a marathon today. for those of you in contact with me, i have a new song because i was actually motivated and i recorded it for the purpose of torturing people's ears. it's been said that rock and roll will never die, and i am living proof that this is a proven fact.

so hopefully i can get back to the business of writing things that have a modicum of decency and coherence and reclaim my former glorious ability to surprise myself with what i had just written. i want that back. my first hundred entries in here were so much more worthwhile that these past hundred and fifty or so. i just broke 300 by the way. that is something i never foresaw. at any rate, if you want to know what i'm talking about as far as my ability to write like i graduated kindergarten go look at my first 40 or so entries. or click on a random early one and see that i was once a semi intelligent human being.

it feels like that is where i may be returning. my fingers work again.


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