^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
� at the end of this i fell asleep. i forget where i was going with it. �
4:42 a.m., 2002-04-15
i am steadily becoming a cliche. once again i am dueling with the sinking notion that i am unforgivably alone. my crusty mind reflects the lack of mobility i feel today in my joints and limbs. dizzy spells hamper my ability to negotiate stairs and write, see, think, etc...today nearly everything in my life is uncooperative.
i feel like i am overflowing with hidden secrets. i want to be five years old again pretending that the refraction of streetlights at night in the windshield were lightning bolts powering our car. rainy nights made tail light tomato splats that ran and wiped away and the lemony coffee smell of dead skunks was everywhere.
i made knotted parachutes for plasticine action figures, i handwrote notes in gray's anatomy as dictated by a maternal med student.
my choices weren't paper or plastic, school or work, fly or drive, stagnate or flourish. my choices were fred rogers or captain kangaroo, spiderman or star wars, nerves of the lower abdomen or discussions of intercondylar fractures, cowboys or indians.
equal importance on separate scales.
i used to look up and out at the sky and know what i was looking for.
