nothing makes sense anymore, because i like to read correspondence.

but i no longer want it for a short time.

so it's locked.

and again i can finally feel like i am talking to myself so that i don't actually do it.

this is the remedy.

so tonight i went to the framingham skatepark, as has become my custom on these monday nights. no one is there on mondays and i enjoy the head-clearing that skating alone gives me. i don't have to talk to anyone or answer to anyone or do anything for anyone. half the night i just cruised around the bowl and stuff.

sometimes i'll repeat a trick like 20 times in a row just because i can. it a weird repetitive thing that puts me into a trance and makes me forget everything.

.

segue

.

everyone is getting married or talking about other people getting married. is this what your mid-twenties is all about? what am i, maladjusted or immature? sorry richie and stacey, i don't want your life. you have a nice house though, i'll give you that. but it doesn't make you sane. you're still both fucking crazy. and stacey, i hate both of your parents. too bad bob's name isn't mike, then they would be mike and carol.

when i have a fiancee i am not going to sit there and talk about other women like richie and joe and the other betrothed brigade because the person i will be with will be someone that i will actually want to be with, not someone who will get off on controlling my life.

when people have children they think that it gives their life meaning, when in reality it removes them from their life and elects them as emperor of someone else's life, rendering their own life obsolete and effectively over. that small part of you that still had any semblance of autonomous potential is dead. that is not the best thing that has ever happened to you. rest in peace. i still have shit to live for. and if the child is a mistake, don't sit there and make excuses like it's the best thing that ever happened. lying to yourself will only make you resent the child more in the long run. it doesn't mean you don't love them. you're not saving their feelings. i was a mistake. i don't care.

i didn't land anything new tonight at the skatepark and i think it's these shoes that are making me perform subpar. they're a little stiff, but i have to suck it up until they die because this is what i got them for. it sucks when there are no shoes in the warehouse that fit. they never have my size in the good ones. and when they do it's always in the fruitiest colors. who cares.

i take it back, i did land something new. never mind.

i have to work tomorrow and it's 2am. this weekend i cleaned my bedroom and i feel like a new man.

i need new books, i hate re-reading ones i already know. there must be something in my room i have not read.

i'm going to bed.