my car is a melonfarmer.

i attempted to go to school today, and made it to within five minutes of the place when billowy menacing smoke spewed forth from my car's entrails. that acrid yet sweet maple-sugary smell of anti-freeze filled the traveling compartment of my vehicle.

something had once again gone awry.

so, this is what is wrong now...

melonfarmer.

a 5/8ths inch hose runs from the waterpump housing to the heater core which is embedded in the firewall of the car. this hose carries the coolant mixture which has been heated up by the engine. this hot fluid is used to heat the air spit into the car when the heat is turned on.

fantastic.

it split wide open, yawning and vomitting greenish steaming engine blood all over the block and manifold, giving me a really splendid sauna effect when i poked my head in there. my skin is clear and my pores are open as a result.

lovely.

so at first i thought i wouuld tape it up like cooter would from the dukes of hazzard. then i second guessed. cooter was good, but macguyver was better.

i remembered that i had this coupling somewhere rattling around in the back of my car. i found that on the floor in the back seat and decided that it matched sufficiently with the tubing that was fractured. so i cut away the split piece and realized that once that part was cut away there was not enough hose to make it to where it is supposed to go into the waterpump.

bleh.

so i phoned someone whom i call givenchy (for a really funny reason i will not go into) on my recently acquired cellular phone and told him that he can't go to our class because i am pretending to be a mid eighties-era richard dean anderson and i'm trying to get my car to cooperate and drive me safely home without smoking and being a melonfarmer. we discussed the necessity for his involvement in my ploy and he concurred that his vehicle was necessary to a certain degree.

we went and procured some tubing and clamps and proceeded to manufacture a reasonable facsimile of what originally was the end of my heater hose. it was like a scene from that 'trauma: life in the e.r.' show, with me barking commands to pass the knife, clamp, tube, coolant, gun, bananna, etc...

i still had the dirt under my fingernails from the other day when my car was pinching off a giant shit in my driveway, i received copious amounts of oil and grime on my upper extremities many times this past week and now here i was today fixing something completely stupid on the melonfarming thing. myself and my car once again are not on speaking terms.

i can't handle this nonsense at all.

thank god i stopped to pick up a couple of friends to keep me company tonight. these two guys will certainly make me feel better, or at least ameliorate my intensely painful disgust for all modes of transportation.

ben and jerry are my good friends.

goddamn melonfarmers.