^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
12:46 a.m., 2003-06-10
i'm insufferably run down. life bottlenecks around you. there's a lot of things that make me want to just give up for real. i've been locked in my room and/or sitting on a roof alone at work all day for i don't even really know how long. on a good day i hurt physically all over for no tangible reason. on a bad one i feel nothing. my face has become unrecognizable with nearly a months growth of beard. for the first time in my life my eyes have bagged subtlely.what's the opposite of vital?
that's how i feel.
and regardless of what i'll tell myself all day and repeat to myself to fall asleep at night it's not ok.
nothing is.
i don't eat.
it has nothing to do with anything but the fact that it's the last thing to cross my mind. i haven't driven anywhere for at least a week. maybe longer, the days are running together.
and it's all insignificant and meaningless really. what, in the end, will it get me?
i get tired of thinking up clever things with the intention of explaining myself, only to remain dissatisfied with anything i can even get out (which is barely a few lines these days) and leaving it languishing on some wrinkled and usually torn scrap of paper near my bedside. when i wake up the scrawls are less and less intelligible. less and less noteworthy. less and less meaningful. in those weird (and formerly creative) moments before dozing off my thoughts no longer rest on a search or the abandonment of that search or another person or the events of the day or the one forthcoming. it rests on a strange and indefinable dull ache that washes over me and overtakes me and holds me in a confusing near-conscious struggle to think. not think about anything specific, just to think on purpose at all.
i'm consumed by the tensed gnaw of something beyond my control.
