^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
2:20 a.m., 2003-01-06
there's only so long apnea can prevent the breath of my nights. there are things i do to stay alive and there are things i do which take that feeling from me. when the two become the former confusion ensues (much like when reading these words) and things change.but things don't change.
these words functioning as my lungs become overstuffed and stretch to the point of a squeaky blister and shine. my eyes bulge and water. my palms sweat.
i shut down.
i want nothing more than to be what i appear to be and i want nothing more than to be all things to all people and i want nothing more than to disappear within my words but that has become impossible as i have become nothing but my words. i fear that eventually i'll be left with nothing but my words, but if that's my worst fear than i think i'm doing ok.
i'm ok again...
...resting upon my many realizations, not the least of which is that this is not my life. nothing is absolute right now. and i'd have it no other way.
