i'd like to say that things are looking up, but it's all just the same.

i was trying to rationally think this irrational runaway train of thought out, so bear with this ramble... when you are so young and you have these painfully intense feelings for another person a part of you subconsciously knows that it will be fleeting, so it intensifies all aspects of the situation in order to gain full exposure to the associated emotions. nothing is taken at face value; everything takes on meaning in order to absorb all faces of the experience. the subconscious overcompensates for the presumed brevity of the relationship by denying the fact that insignificant minutia exists. molehills become mountains, but without just cause. this irrational exacerbation coupled with the genuine base emotion which unequivocally existed (but to a lesser degree) creates a delusion of grandeur, the residual feelings of which can last for years.

your first love holds a place in your heart merely because it took place when you were too young to hide behind your human flaws because they were not yet highly enough developed. you were too young to understand that to be vulnerable is to be dumb.

too young to understand that as cynical as you can get, you can never be cynical enough to pad the unfortunate feelings that being human brings.

it is the first high you will never again achieve because in your mind, thanks to idealization and pubescent blindness, you were living a fairy tale and now it's just too difficult to remove the rose colored glasses.

god i need to sleep.