^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
3:44 a.m., 2002-04-16
why, in the depths of my ignorance, do i insist on attempting to force myself to believe that things are normal and ok? everything is always hopelessly and completely fucked up. it's like i'm constantly searching for a way to keep everything from appearing wildly awry on the surface, like a fucking botox treatment for life in general.enough with the goddamned metaphor already.
that is seriously how i live though. no, not applying tourniquets to my stupid little life, i live metaphor to metaphor. looking for retarded little relations to make so i don't have to think about how miserable i am with weird little and weird bigger things.
'everybody's got a set of good old days that they like to remember themselves back into when the current state is lacking in some way.'
i don't even care about being normal or fully content, i just want to maintain a reasonable level of goddamned sanity for more than 20 minutes at a time. there are things that keep me going and things that make me want to give up and bow my head. i am not even writing this in an attempt at elucidation. i do not wish to clarify what i am thinking or feeling to anyone. for once i am trying to keep it to myself for no reason at all, while at the same time writing about exactly what i am hiding by writing about it. i love the circles.
how i feel right now mentally is irrevocably exhausted and spent like a shell casing. hollow.
soon, i'll retreat to a bed that will provide almost no comfort and a notebook that will contain yet another set of thoughts with meanings unclear.
the whole punchline of this is that i am so much less desolate a person as it seems. i swear to god i am a swell guy.
you're just misunderstanding my meanings. really everything is normal and ok.
