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4:55 p.m., 2001-12-19

you can't huddle in the corner anymore, you can't wrap your arms around yourself. there is no hiding. not from anything anymore. there's a time when you have to realize that regardless of what preconceived notions have been associated with your comfort level and security, you are never safe. nothing is ever safe. life is a series of upheavals. living is what we try to do in between these upheavals. dealing with the expectation of hopelessness and helplessness is becoming commonplace. the feeling that routine is a series of comfortable habits implemented with the hope of maintaining a numbed consciousness is a feeling i am growing tired of. i live day to day expecting something.

anything.

i retreat and pull back, thinking that if routine is disrupted, my level of numbness and comfortability will be lost. i am never sure if i am ready to accept change.

real change.

literal change, not the half-hearted virtual affirmations and resolutions i keep reassuring myself i can carry out and turn into truths. my resistance to change is another pattern and another way to huddle in a corner, wrap myself in emotional padding and simply hide.

more and more i am starting to think that my physical health reflects an inverse proportion of my mental health.

in order to resist actually admitting this i concentrate on mindlessness. i write about day to day nonsense in order to avoid subjects with substance. things that reflect who i am. if enough people find out these things i would feel obligated to actually reflect these truths in who i am and, in turn, change. and my aversion to change outweighs my tendency to willingly display my thoughts. i do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and somehow this makes me feel like a liar. in my eyes, it proves that i am, which makes me feel ashamed, which compels me to retreat into myself and re-evaluate my mode of thinking, which in turn brings out my tendency to hide from myself. sometimes for weeks at a time.

i may never fully understand the ramifications of this cycle that engulfs me.

the best i can do is try.


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