^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
2:48 p.m., 2003-09-08
sleeping in your clothes can be a life-affirming experience. you wake up smelling like yesterday and wishing it was. it's a way of avoiding the actual act of settling in. it personifies exhaustion. or perhaps when i do it i merely don't expect to sleep, which is understandable considering my track record.too many times it wasn't my choice.
it seldom is.
there is a thickening catalog of flaws within me upon which i am working, not the least of which is my tendency to live in the past. is it that i am obsessed with control and that the past is a foregone conclusion, therefore existing out of my hands? in safety?
speculation does nothing to help the cause or begin to solve anything. my normal daily interaction bespeaks none of this. i hide from my (obvious) flaws, attempting to create a facade of easy perfection and invulnerability.
i am the least open person i know.
(as a child i grew ashamed of asking how to spell new words as i came across them, and as a result began reading the dictionary at age nine. in order to keep myself interested i fabricated a system of colored bookmarks which allowed me to read through sections of certain letters out of sequence, while still keeping track of what i had already seen.)
(p.s. i found my cell phone! mixed blessing.)
