since then my breathing has become more shallow, more labored, as if i am terrified that each breath could be ammonia. i lack the means by which to physiologically exist on a day-to-day basis. in my thoughts i face this choice which, on the surface, appears straightforward enough.

but this is me we're talking about here.

among my many "issues" is my inability to accept emotional commitment. this harkens back to the time period in question here. it's like a story that starts out "it was a night, not unlike tonight". i face the same incurable temporary utter despair each autumn, gearing up for anniversaries of certain events which have loaded and unfading emotions attached to them.

these were the days preceeding all this. these amber-hued days infused with unfocused slow motion and hundreds of amazing stories.things fall into place with ease and it was before i learned tht it is human nature that compels individuals to let one another down, and that these disappointments and betrayals merely carry on into adulthood and on an even grander scale.

there are no longer any straightforward choices.

every question is loaded, every response is scrutinized. it's a new and exciting chess match. at one point in my life i drove halfway across the country trying to escape. escape everything. i uprooted and ceased to be where i had been, but wherever i went, i was there.

i could never get away from myself.

everything comes with you, everything is packed in the last places you'll look, and it's surprising to find pieces of where you were exactly where you ran with the intention of escaping it. one way or another you have to take exactly what you attempted to escape. this is where i stand now; facing things i'm really not prepared to wrestle with. time is no guarantee, and promising it can't bandage things up. scars beget scars, and no, the tissue formed in the regenerative process across the compromised defense is nowhere near as structurally sound as it once was prior to it's having been weakened and are still forging on in the face of a surefire betrayal or letdown.

life can be masochistic that way..

also, read this over and over so you don't forget.