^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
12:38 p.m., 2002-05-29
i fantasize about disappearing. there are things i keep within my own sequestered reality that see no light. by disappearing i mean running away. some people can only run, i hear about it endlessly. people wear it as a badge of honor. me, i can't extricate myself. it's like a bizarre reversal that infiltrates me in every way; i lose important things and accumulate meaningless baubles. and by meaningless i mean it as seen by an onlooker. to me tiny weird things take on overinflated significance and tend to rule my increasingly confused mindset.i want some feelings i have to be with you every other thought, but i also don't.
everything i do in a day tends to revolve around the theme of escape.
it's nearly all i think about some days.
i answer some questions out of a feeling of obligation. the answer becomes background noise when by the act of answering i have already lied to myself. there are fundamental truths and absolute realities that epitomize the antithesis of the comfort buffer and fragile reality i have created and constructed and reinforced around my selfish stupid little life. sometimes as i answer questions my mind is already thinking completely and hopelessly off subject. it's just so easy to fake my humanity. i fantasize about escaping it.
