^ (n a v i g a t e) ^
4:42 p.m., 2005-01-06
i say the most fucked-up things out loud sometimes when no one is around. just now i was thinking that i want to set up an impromptu band practice immediately because of a song i just heard, but then while i was walking to the phone i realized that i would have to drive 45 minutes in this sloppy new england shitstorm so i turned around and thought better of it. when i turned around i exclaimed out loud, "i ran to the phone". i would probably never do that with people around because i am desperately afraid of appearing human.is it weird that i love to shovel snow? i shoveled three driveways today, one of them twice. something about doing that is so therapeutic. and now that i have an ipod, i can just shovel for hours and hours. i actually contemplated shoveling the entire yard, but instead i split some wood and got some kindling ready so i can start the wood stove and most likely do my best impression of a mountain man while watching skate videos on the couch in front of the damn thing.
i have saved up the most money in my entire life. the most fucked-up feeling as an adult is being debt-free. all of that money that goes to unnecessary bills can just get thrown on the pile. for years and years i would refuse to use any credit cards for anything that i did not have the money to buy, to the point where i have never had a credit card bill that exceeded a thousand dollars. my doctor bills of the past three years have been more money than my credit card bills. i have no idea where i am going with this.
i'm buying a car. i don't want to disclose what kind yet, because i just want to drive up to your house in it so you can see it.
do what you have to do to get better. don't do what you want to do. do what you have to do, because that is the only solution to your problems. mimicking perceived pain through physical manifestation is an excuse for not doing the right thing. it solves nothing. telling someone that you are hurting is a thousand times more productive. you tell yourself that doing something is better than doing nothing, but that is not always the case. self-destruction is another mess to clean up on top of the garbage heap.
