god, what a prospect... i ought to. it would either do wonders for my self-esteem, or erase the little i have... therein lies the conundrum. if the former rather than the latter holds true then it would more than likely greatly increase the quality and ultimate juiciness of this entry. the question is: how do you see that way?

there is someone in particular for whom i have respect and admiration... i can't pin down quite why, and that bothers me. i feel some bizarre connection on an unspoken, yet very real level which defies explanation. i'm not like this, things for me tend to be cut and dry and logical, and i can never decide whether that is an admirable quality or a grave fault... i told myself i wouldn't hold back on this entry and already i can feel myself gearing up to do so. i'm trying to find the place bewteen balance and breaking... like pressing your fingertips against someone else's fingertips...if equal pressure is applied, fluid movement and balance remain. the slightest shift and fingers will be sent in opposite directions.

look at me, getting all metaphorical...

at this point, equal pressure is being applied and there is a really exceptional balance happening. i'm hoping what i'm doing here now is not a shift. what i think i'm trying to get at is the fact that i'm experiencing a connection that runs deeper every day and does so faster than i've experienced, which is good and bad. my problem right now is i'm terrified of being mediocre, a face in the crowd, a pit stop or and exit ramp. i want to mean something. that's the bad part of said connection.

so how do you see me, mystery guest?

the good part is that this is what i always seek in life and relationships; one step away from perfect commumion and unyielding connection while also being one step away from being able to hurt or to be hurt to an inhumane degree. i've grown so tired of walls of defense, i feel sometimes like i'm becoming one of those people who aren't willing to put everything on the line... experience for experience's sake is the best form of fulfillment. pain and pleasure are there to accent each other.... enjoy both simply because you are experiencing either since pleasure can only truly be fully enjoyed when you understand and experience suffering. people in this retarded culture insist that they have been miserable their entire bleak existence... wow, how goddamn chic and gothically hip of you, but how can you know you're depressed when you profess to have never experienced pleasure or happiness. get a life. digress. oops.

on the other hand, i cant understand how people can live life being conservative and still feel. if i'm not constantly overstimulated i feel half dead... people who don't want to live their life until they burn out are painfully boring. as are people who burn out prematurely... rotting away in a bar or just being a "party" person or a "college" type are perfect examples of this. nothing avoids the truth more than a party. and by the way, you go to college to learn, not to have your stomache pumped on a weekly basis or to date rape anything that moves or get filled out like a job application for a little self-esteem recharge. i sometimes feel like my age group or "peers" are nothing but a bunch of pointlessly evolved apes.

so now that i have oficially and completely lost sight of the subject matter i guess i will end this useless tirade.

i hope i might have cleared some things up that i felt needed clearing, but i'm sure i was far too evasive and vague once again.