we lie to ourselves and to each other every step of the way. say what you think? you'd never dare. someone was pointed out to me that undoubtedly can't decide what the truth is... if you have one of these things, isnt it for yourself? just because you can type into fields on a website, doesn't mean you're a columnist. i've never heard of a syndicated diary. i try every step of the way to make this for me, and try to keep the grandstanding to a minimum.

sometimes i pretend i can read minds just to amuse myself. i'm so entertained by what i hear, or rather what i wish i could hear. it's such a shame reality can't mimic fantasy. i hate the fact that i have to live with being lied to on a regular basis.

i skip around way too much. i'm ready to change the subject already. this is a direct result of typing rather than writing.

the date is the 13th. around now is an -ex's birthday, but i cant remember the exact date because i refused to care long ago, but that is not the issue here. hi. i'm a crackwhore. hi. i have a child with my dealer. hi. no future. hi. useless bag of skin. hi. whatever. but she still has some of my stuff. i cant think of what i learned from my relationship with her, looking back on it. it's a bad idea for the singer to date the drummer. that will have to suffice. she has one of scumbag's shirts too. girls are irrational creatures, and you should never try to extrapolate sense from what they say and do. a very appropriate statement was made by a close friend many years ago while referring to his relationship at the time.

"it's all bullshit."

he was dead on with that analysis. it IS all bullshit. everything is. life is. as i mentioned before, the world is nothing but lies and two-facedness (so i create words to my own ends). those words ring as true today as the day he uttered them. even my friendship with him was bullshit. i haven't heard from him in years. every day i believe more and more that i am the only person alive with an ounce of integrity. if there is one thing that is not lacking in me it would be integrity, and that so often goes unappreciated in my doomed age group. this is why it's so difficult to trust. it's scary to be exposed to what you're capable of.

maybe she was right, maybe i AM destined to be an old man. maybe it's just all bullshit.