*

what kills me and hits my chest and guts is that i do believe in it. just the way i know i'm supposed to and the wy, for all intents and purposes, i should. it's not something i've convinced myself f or even can convince me. relationship dooms love to failure, it robs emotion of its urgency and overpowers any notion of personal individuality.

creating an institutionalization around a dynamic and gossamer emotion is, in itself, the sole means to a breakdown of the original catalyst and fuel for the whole situation. but by the same token it cannot be escaped. i don't loathe the situation, i loathe the conventional means by which the situation can most likely preogress. what i've done before is wrong, and when my steps fall back in those footprints and they fit too well, i step away. when something that appears right starts to feel wrong, it usually is. this is not to say that i speak in absolutes, that hope does not exist, or that right doesn't exist, or that i am attempting sabotage. it means that , contrary to certain beliefs, this whole fucked-up thing is too important to regard conventionally and offhandedly. lightly.

i choose my words carefully.

i care too much.

i think too much.

and as much as you think i am hurting as a result of the way i think, i'm hurting way more. a visceral, soulful hurt that burns the rims of my eyelids at night and turns me over in my bed and invades what little dreams i am allowed.

i do need something that isn't you.

it's me.

how can i expect to have anything to offer and how can i expect to accept and appreciate and reflect what you have to offer when i am yet unable to be happy with myself.

in a circle, you can turn no corners.