this time it was more realistic than most. since it's more than 12 hours now since i last saw you, things are blurring a bit.

why is it that i idealize you?

after all this time, how can i still do this to myself? you were wearing a mask, as you were always so good with those. alibis always so seamless, never any creeping suspicions. never would have known. adept, astute, staring into space, feigning a smile, feigning diligence.

and there was the cliff.

it's always there, right behind you. you're smiling at me while your heels back over and off of the edge and i lunge, as usual, just a step too late.

i wake up.

and my room always smells like you for a split second afterwards, just long enough to creep me out.

how i feel at that moment is as desolate as the second you left.

but i know that next time i have this dream, i won't save you and i'll still spend the whole next day idealizing your memory.

and even though i'm 436 stages past that phase of my life, someday i hope to miss missing you.